Questioning Darkness
by TeenTitansGoEh
Summary: BeastBoy has had a bit of a dark cloud around him and everyone is worried, especially Raven; however none of them know how serious it really is. *BBRae *dark fluff (I think?) *and I'm just going to slap a big ol' trigger warning on the whole deal :*
1. Chapter 1

**Disclamer;** Sadly I own nothing, and any reference or similarity to any other fan made works coincidental. :*

**AuthorNote;** Hihi, first FanFic whattt? So I wrote a thing, and copious ammounts of feed back would be appreciated ^.^ I'm not really happy with the format so I will probably change it... a lot.  
Also this got a little darker than I originally intended it to but I just went with it (turns out my brain is really weird...) so this is my **trigger warning**. Sorreh :(  
(I think (like 8/10) this chapter is going to be the darkest one)

So yea, don't forget to review and comment and that, and give 'er a go lovlies **:***

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The alarm blared as it dragged him into the conscious world from a beautiful blackness. He groaned and mistakenly rolled over to face the white light shining through the window. He blindly groped for the source of the obnoxious disturbance, sending piles of clothing and papers scattering across the floor. After taking a moment to orient himself and adjust to the unwelcome light and noise, he looked around to asses the damage done. Scowling, he collected the torn written on pages and haphazardly pushed them back into their battered notebook. He then clawed his way out of a tangle of sheets and rose to shuffle to the washroom. A few Minutes of grimacing at himself in the mirror rewarded the decision to skip his morning hygiene routine, and trade it for generous amounts of deodorant and body spray. The day was already doing him no favours. _Can't be much worse than the last week_, he thought, but then again he had been proven wrong many times before. He frowned at himself, absent-mindedly scratching his marred forearms. Thank _God for long sleeves_, he winced and stalked away from himself, dreading the day ahead.

"Hey, BB!" Cyborg cheered, with a grin stretching his whole face, "It's waffle day, baby!"  
"Hey, no thanks man." he smiled weakly, and poured himself the smallest possible bowl of bland cereal.  
Cyborg deflated, "but you love waffle day!"  
"Not today, dude." he said curtly as he spun and walked out the room, three sets of eyes from the kitchen following him puzzled.  
"But you love waffle day..." Cyborg quietly repeated at the figure out of earshot retreating down the hall. " But he loves waffle day!" He turned and shrieked at the two seated at the table.  
"That's the third time this week he's skipped breakfast.." Robin said  
"I worry for our friend..." the girl next to him quietly trailed off, looking deeply into her coffee.  
"We all do, Star" he said wrapping his arm tightly around his upset companion "We all do."

He solemnly returned to his room, unsure of what to do with the undesired, now soggy, cereal he had created. He placed it in a large pile of unfinished food and dirty dishes, disturbing the buzzing flys without much consideration. He sat on his bed and retrieved the messy stack of papers he had earlier rejected. He began to slowly sift through the mass of journal pages, letters and personal stories in search of a blank sheet. The words flowed straight from his heart like water, a darkness he did not wish any foreign eyes to touch. He could feel a pain biting at his heart slowly ebbing as he wrote, but the demons would forever be nipping at his heels.  
He froze mid-word at a shuffling outside the door. He did not dare breathe, go away, he willed silently; however a soft, rhythmic knocking replied instead. He frowned and shoved the papers under his sheets. "Look, Star, I know you're only trying to help but I-" he cut off the sentence as he opened the door.

Raven stood silently, listening to the muffled pen scratching on the other side of the door. She took a deep breath, and brought her hand from beneath her cloak. The noise stopped. Another breath and she knocked. Papers crunched, then silence.  
"Look, Star, I know you're only trying to help but I-" he froze as the door opened "You're not Starfire..." he puzzled.  
Raven took in his appearance. He appeared to be withering. His skin had dulled, his body gaunt with raw hands. In short he was quite a mess, definitely not the bright beacon of happiness she had known him as not long ago. A witty comeback rested on her toung, but this was not the time for mockery. "No, I am not." she calmly replied "Can we talk?" He raised an eyebrow and stepped past the rooms threshold, the automatic door hissing closed behind him. Raven almost winced at the darkness surrounding him. "I am concerned about you BeastBoy. Are you..." she paused, choosing her words very carefully "Are you okay?"  
_Okay?_ It had been awhile since he would have used that word to describe himself. "I'm fine, so if you got the shortest straw or whatever you can go back downstairs."  
"I am here by my choosing, I assure you, and remember you cannot fool me." she said calmly. His face hardened, but he did not reply. "BeastBoy, someone I love dearly once told me 'You think you're alone, but you're not'." she paused, reading his face for reaction. His face softened slightly for a second, and her heart jumped.  
He pulled his lips into a tight line and closed his eyes. "And someone once told me to 'Go away'." he spat.  
Her heart dropped, and as he whirled back into his room. She stood rooted to the floor with wide eyes, and an unfinished thought dancing across her tounge as the door hissed shut once again. She sighed and hung her head. "I'm here for you, Garfield" she finally stuttered into the door. Then eyes full of tears she turned, and glided down the hall.

Hopefully she hadn't heard him slide to the ground heavily on the other side of the door. hopefully she hadn't heard him gasping in a desperate attempt to get air into his lungs. Hopefully she hadn't heard him choking back angry sobs so large they hurt his throat. Hopefully she hadn't heard him humming to chew back screams until his lips bled, and hopefully she hadn't heard his head hit the floor hard when he lost consciousness.

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**AuthorNote;** Even I'm not sure exactly where this is going, but bear with me

_xxoo Melissy Mae_


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclamer;** Sadly I own nothing, and any reference or similarity to any other fan made works coincidental. :*

**AuthorNote;** So the chapters are super short because I'm a busy little human, and it would take me at least 5ever to get anything up if I made them a decent length. (sidenote; 10/10 would not reccomend Calculus. To anyone. Ever. )':  
Also if anyone knows how to indent a paragraph in here, and would like to tell me how 3 that would be fab.  
**Also again** in regards to my _**trigger warning **_on the last chapter, it was misplaced and definitely belongs on **this chapter **(also the whole story). I think I may have gotten a litttle carried away. Sorry  
**Actually read my author note pleasssse**(I know I skip them alot) **because this chapter is dark.** **sorry**

You are all lovely **:***

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"Friend Raven!"  
" How'd it-" Robin stopped short when she looked up from beneath her cloak with red eyes still full of tears. She slumped into a spot at the table.  
"He doesn't want us," she started " but he needs us, so bad." Her lip started to tremble as she spoke "I don't know what to do." she spoke quietly as sparse tears rolled down her pale cheeks.  
"Hey, it's going to be okay. He's going to be okay." Cyborg soothed comfortingly, rubbing her shoulders.  
"What if it's not?" she asked weakly  
"Don't worry, Rae, he's just in a bit of a funk. We all have bad weeks" Cyborg smiled softly.  
Raven nodded and slowly began to wipe her eyes, but she wasn't so sure. They hadn't felt the pain radiating through his aura like she had, and not even she knew what a strong liar he really was.

BeastBoy stirred against the door, as a nightmare threatened his slumber. His eyes shot open, a scream caught dying in his throat. He scrambled back and pushed himself hard against the locked door, breathing heavily and clutching at the floor. It took him a few moments to orient himself, and remember why he was asleep against the door mid afternoon. _Raven_. Her horror-stricken face as he closed the door flashed through his mind and he cringed. He peeled away from his support and shakily padded to the bathroom. _You're slipping, you crazy_, he scolded himself in the mirror. Clutching the sink white knuckled he splashed cold water on his face. _Get it together. Get it together.._ he chanted. The room seemed to narrow around him and his mind clouded over as he released the sinks edge and held his shaking hands eye level. Even the newest wounds were starting to heal now. _Choke it down. You can do this._ His angry thoughts started to fade the longer he stood there. _It has been a while. You promised you wouldn't. What they don't know can't hurt them.._ His whole body shook as he argued with himself. _This will make it better_. He wasn't in control anymore. He watched, out-of-body, as he picked a spot to place the cold metal.  
His knees buckled, and he dropped to the floor shuddering. With his hands still in the sink he leaned his forehead on the cold procaine. _OhGod_, he thought as he slumped lower to the floor. _Bathtub_. Listening to the rhythmic dripping, he struggled to his feet. He turned on the tap in a futile effort to let the sink clean itself. He then half crawled to the tub and turned on the shower letting the scalding water wash over him. He watched as the hypnotic orange flowed out of him and swirled down the drain. _OhGod_. The horror began to set in as he regained control. _OhGod._ Tears mixed with the orange spirals, and choking sobs filled the air spastically until nothing but the open taps sounded.

Raven slowly glided down the hall deep in thought. _Maybe Cyborg's right, maybe he is okay,_ she tried to convince herself. She pondered the possibility until she arrived at BeastBoy's door. She stopped, trying to decide whether to confront him again. _He wanted to be alone. So did I and look where that got me. I did fine. Could have been better_. She sighed and knocked on the door. No response. "BeastBoy I know you're in there." she said softly to the door "I can hear you..." she whispered. After minutes of no response she tried the door, which to her surprise was not locked. _Why?_ She took a deep breath and quietly opened the door. "BeastBoy, I know what you said, but I really think-" she stopped when she saw the steam spilling from the bathroom. "BeastBoy?" she called. No reply. She felt a deep feeling of dread building that made her stomach tie. _This is not normal. Why shower now?_ she thought as she picked a path through piles of uneaten food and paper balls to the bathroom. "BeastBoy?" she repeated as she lightly knocked on the ajar door. The door slowly opened, allowing Raven to fully see the horror inside.  
It looked like a crime scene. The dimly lit room was full of steam from the shower, fogging the mirrors and condensing in beads on every surface. Red glistened in the sink and smeared on the floor. Her eyes locked on the most horrific sight in the room, the boy slumped against the back wall of the tub, eyes closed, water beating onto his chest. "BeastBoy?!" she cried out in panic. She hit the Titan emergency signal on her cloak, and ran across the bathroom."Oh my God. This isn't happening." she frantically said as she knelt next to the tub. There was a light trickle of red-orange fluid swirling in the tub bottom. _OhMyGodThisIsn'tHappening_, her mind raced over and over. _Towels_. She grabbed a pile of cloths from the rack and secured them around the boy's wounds. She had just begun to pull him from the tub when the rest of the Titans came crashing into the room.  
"WHATTHEHELL?!" Cyborg began to panic when the room came into focus.  
Robin's face paled and set as he began to recite instructions, "Get him to the infirmary now." StarFire's reaction was the worst. As Cyborg deftly lifted him from the tub his whole sopping wet, messy figure came into view, and she ran from the room. When Raven followed Cyborg out of the room, towels firmly held to the boy's wounds, she saw StarFire, ash white, profusely vomiting into a dirty dish outside the bathroom.

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**AuthorNote;** Thanks to all those who read to the end, and I apolagize if I have traumatized and/or offended you. This went in a weird direction. Sorry again

_xxoo Melissy Mae_


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer****;** Sadly I own nothing, and any reference or similarity to any other fan made works coincidental. :*

**AuthorNote;** This went up faster than I expected D**:  
**Caution: Run on Sentences

Feedback me, lovelies **:***

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The Titans gathered silently in the infirmary room at the foot of the bed. They looked on in horror at the limp boy in the bed. Having done all they could, they now had to wait and hope he would recover. One by one they all filed out of the room until only Raven was left.

"Go" her voice began to waver when the last titan hesitated at the door "I'm going to stick around for a bit." Robin didn't say anything, but tensed, and hung his head. He tightened his crushing grip on the doorknob, trying to fight back stinging tears, and left.

When the door shut behind him Raven ambled over and numbly dropped into the chair next to the bed . He looked almost peaceful suspended in his blissfully unaware darkness, but she could still feel his pained and weak aura. If there had not been monitors and systems attached to him one could only assume he was not alive until he stirred. She could see his eyes moving under their lids as his head slowly thrashed from side to side. His face contorted in pain while he murmured and twitched, like he was trying to speak to her, but the words couldn't find their way past his sleeping lips.

She lightly gripped his hand "I'm here for you, Garfield" she whispered. She wondered if he had heard her the last time she told him that. "I've always been here for you." she paused and smiled weakly "It's kind of funny really." her voice continued to quiver, but didn't quite crack. "I used to think I was all alone, I spent everyday by myself, shutting everyone out. God, it hurt so bad, but it was like I couldn't feel anything." she looked at him the whole time she spoke. "It's kind of like our roles are reversed. I'm trying to help you, and you're ignoring me. Except I never ended up in a hospital bed." she almost laughed "This... I never wanted this.. This death wish." she spat the last thought and paused again, concentrating on the floor. "For either of us." she waited, hoping for a reaction she knew she would not get from his sleeping face. "I'm sorry, BeastBoy." her lip trembled. "I was there, I should have seen the signs... I should have tried harder." she rested her forehead on the bed rail, and started to cry. Her shoulders shook as she held his hand tightly in both of hers, andrs steadily rolled off her face.  
If this had been a movie it would be beautiful and poetic. His eyelids would flutter open and he would grip her hand back weakly. He would rasp out a quiet greeting and smile at her when she looked up into his eyes, but this was no movie, so his eyes stayed closed while she cried.

It had been silent since the incident. It was unnatural for the tower to be quiet for more than 5 minutes, much less a day. They had barely spoken since. Only passing nods as each one took their turn in the infirmary. Cyborg would sit silently at the back of the room staring, until he couldn't take it anymore and left glossy eyed. StarFire could barely walk up to the door without breaking into hysterics, and Robin never had a chance to cry. When he wasn't comforting StarFire he was numbly seated on the couch, staring vacantly. Raven would sit by the bed for hours talking biting back tears, and then leave crying.

When she wasn't there, she was in the kitchen. Now, she sat at the table picking at the string on her teabag, unsure what to do next. All she could feel was a confusing mix between sorrow and anger. How could he do this? Why would he do this? Her thoughts were eating her alive, she had a constant feeling of dread and guilt in the deepest pit of her stomach, like someone had punched her in the gut. She couldn't eat. She couldn't sleep. She just sat at the table and slowly sipped tea all day, building the courage to visit the infirmary again. Having had enough time to recollect her thoughts she made her way there. As she arrived the door swung open and Cyborg walked out. Their eyes connected for a moment before he looked away, and without a word he stalked away. It had been a very uncharacteristically Cyborg, but then again, no one had really been themselves lately. Still somewhat perplexed by the interaction, or lack of, Raven walked in. BeastBoy was seated up in his usual position, but this time his eyes were half-open, staring blankly at the back wall.

" BeastBoy?" she addressed him almost in a whisper, and he slowly turned his head to look at her. Her clothes and hair were a mess, and her whole face was red tinged and puffy.

"Raven." he croaked, his voice still thick with sleep.

"Oh, BeastBoy, I'm so glad you're awake." a small smile spread across her face and tears brimmed her eyes

"Makes one of us." he replied, staring blankly at the wall again. He saw her falter slightly at his response, but quickly recovered her smile. "What do you want? Or are you just here to make me feel like an even bigger freak too?" Her face dropped again, and she did not recover this time.

"BeastBoy, why would I do that?"

She seemed genuinely pained by his response, but he didn't really notice. "Cyborg was here when I woke up, you probably saw him storm out. He sat there just... staring at me for an hour. Like I was some kind of monster." he spat the last word, like a curse on his lips, and tears began to fill his eyes.

"He was probably just in shock, BeastBoy. This hasn't been easy for him..."

"For him?!" he yelled "You think this has been easy for me?!"

"BeastBoy" Raven winced, "I never said it was. I was just-"

He cut her off "Just nothing!" a machine began to beep, signaling a rising pulse. He opened his mouth wide to yell, but clamped it shut. "Just get out."

Raven rose from her seat, fists clenched, eyes boring into him. " You want me to go?!" she yelled "Last time you asked me to leave look where it got you!" she was screaming now. "You know I'm the one that found you?! I haven't slept in 3 days because every time I close my eyes I see you! Whenever I open my eyes I see you!" she lowered her voice, but her voice was still full of venom. "I found you there dying, BeastBoy. You know that if I had been any later you would be dead?"  
His eyes flashed hurt for a moment before becoming cold again as she stood above him seething. "Has it really been 3 days?" he asked dryly, face set, knowing what her response would be. She turned and stormed out of the room, screaming and forcibly kicking a chair on her way. After she slammed the door, shaking the window and the beeping machines he laid his head back all the way, and stared numbly at the roof.

Robin was seated at the couch staring out the window, when she stormed in. He paid her no heed as she stood, white knuckled gripping the stoves edge, until she started throwing things. She yelled and screamed loud, angry and pained as she shredded everything from the bottom cupboards, throwing it on the floor and slamming the doors so hard they bounced open again. He watched silently, and didn't moved until she slid to the floor in the corner, looking at the roof with her hands laced across her face, and her screams turned into cries. When he sat she buried her head in his shoulder, and he held her while she shook and cried and screamed into the night.

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**AuthorNote; **Wow, things are weird. Next bit may be a while :s I'll try, but I wouldn't hold your breath :(

_xxoo Melissy Mae_


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer****;** Sadly I own nothing, and any reference or similarity to any other fan made works coincidental. :*

**AuthorNote; **what am I doing?

Feedback? :/

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He was alone for two days after Raven left. Cyborg silently brought him food and changed the IVs once, but other than that, he just stared blankly at the ceiling. That is, until Robin showed up. He slowly slid into the room, and so quietly that BeastBoy barely heard him. He slipped lightly into a chair and waited. BeastBoy rolled his head to the side, still resting it on his pillow, and looked directly into his eyes as he spoke. "Well if it isn't our fearless leader." his voice showed no hints of sarcasm.

"Hello, BeastBoy." Robin replied coolly.

BeastBoy stared unblinkingly. Robin had always been hard to read, he had once told BeastBoy that, a_ good leader controls his emotions for the good of the team_, so you could never quite be sure what he was thinking. "I'm surprised StarFire hasn't come before you. Everyone else has, and she always has been the most comforting."

"StarFire has been busy crying, sleeping, and then crying herself to sleep. I'll tell her you would like to see her thou."

"No, that's alright. I wouldn't want to trouble her if she's busy."

Robin's face hardened at that, but he pressed on keeping his voice level. "BeastBoy, I would like you to be honest with me. Can you handle that?"

"Whatever you say, Robin. You are in charge right?" He raised his eyebrows slightly with the inflection of the question, but otherwise maintained his facade.

Robin bit his tongue to refrain from showing anger. He knew BeastBoy was only trying to get under his skin to drive him away. "Do you know what I did the other night until 5am ?" BeastBoy's cold stare continued. "I sat on the kitchen floor with Raven while she cried. I have never witnessed someone so heartbroken in my entire life, BeastBoy." he waited for a response, but was given none. "It wasn't just some tears and a little silent crying. She screamed and shook and sobbed for hours. She screamed so loud Cyborg thought someone broke in." in truth BeastBoy had heard her vaguely, "When she finally cried herself out and fell asleep I had to put the kitchen back together. She broke the doors, she shredded the whole place apart. I don't want to know what she would have done if I hadn't been there." he paused and his anger started to show. "You didn't just hurt yourself, BeastBoy. You hurt all of us. You shattered Raven and StarFire both." he chuckled sadly "I don't even know what's wrong with Cyborg because he hasn't spoken to anyone in a week. You shattered all of us, and I don't know if I'll be able to put us back together, BeastBoy." his voice dripped with venom as he finished, but BeastBoy did not respond. He half laughed after a moment, "Nothing to say for yourself?"

"What do you want me to say, Robin?" he said monotonically looking at the roof again

"I don't know, an explanation? a reason?" his voice rose "something!" he yelled

He whipped his head to the side to face him again."I don't know, Robin! I have no idea! I would fucking love to, but I don't!" his body started shaking as he lost all the composure he had worked so hard to maintain. "Is that what you wanted to hear?!" he beat his fists on the bed as he spoke "That I have no fucking idea what I'm doing!? That I have no goddamned control over my self!? he screamed.

"I want you to tell me exactly what the _fuck_ you were thinking." Robin spat in a barely audible volume.

"I WASN'T!" he screamed abruptly in response. He wouldn't have been surprised if the whole tower had heard. "I WASN'T THINKING THEN, AND I'M NOT THINKING NOW!" his voice continued to get louder, until he stopped. He and Robin glared at each other while he breathed heavily calming down. "Are we done now?" he hissed.

Robin's mouth set in a hard line, and for the first time in a long time tears he felt tears welling in his eyes. "I guess we are." he closed his eyes so BeastBoy couldn't see. "I'm going to send in StarFire." he stated as he stood "Try and collect yourself." he finished harshly and stormed out, leaving BeastBoy alone again.

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**AuthorNote; **that was a lot shorter than I wanted... oops (better than nothing?)

_xxoo Melissy Mae_


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer****;** Sadly I own nothing, and any reference or similarity to any other fan made works coincidental. :*

**AuthorNote; **'Aaaay, is it just me or are these chapters getting shorter and shorter?

Let me know what you lovely people think **:***

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His interaction with Robin was still reeling in his head when StarFire came in. She looked almost worse than Raven, with her messy clothes are bleary red eyes. He had always felt more at ease with StarFire because they had once shared a common mindset of upbeat happiness. She was always calm, consoling and understanding, when she needed to be. Maybe that was what he needed right now, someone to be patient enough to see past his angry facade, someone to see, and try to understand the shattered boy beneath.

"Hello, BeastBoy." she offered a small smile, but he could see the tears welling in her eyes. Something about the way she unconditionally saw the best in everyone always melted his heart, and he lightly faked a smile back. "It is nice to see you in better physical health."

Physical being the key word, he thought, but only responded with a slight nod and forced smile. The last few days had drawn him out, and he was not in the mood for any more yelling.

She fidgeted nervously, silently studying the floor for a time before she spoke, calculating every word. "It is my understanding that you have become... extremely upset?"

_And the understatement of the year award goes to..._ He kept his face blank.

She took a deep breath and continued meticulously. "I do not understand why, BeastBoy," the tears in her eyes threatened to spill, " Why have you hurt yourself so?"

That was very good question. He broke eye contact and looked at the bed for a minute. "I don't know Star..." he said quietly. She took his hand gently in both of hers, and when he looked up the tears that had been building were silently rolling down her face smooth face. "I'm just so tired... and maybe some things don't have an answer... maybe some things just are." he said defeated.

"That does not help me understand." she said as a look of confusion blended with her sadness.

"I don't know Star," he said slowly "I really don't." with a look of complete defeat he let himself sink into his propped up mattress and cry. "I just don't know." he repeated. He looked to the ceiling, folded his hands over his face, and let the tears flow.

"I have made this for you," she said after the wracking sobs had subsided. "I have seen it common practice to exchange them as a showing of affection." she had a hopeful smile on her face as she handed him a mixed cassette tape with the words 'for when you are sad' scrawled across it.

He accepted it slightly perplexed. "StarFire, where did you even get the stuff to make a mixed tape?" he asked with a light laugh. "Nobody has used tapes for years."

"I did some of 'the research' online, as Robin instructed me to. It was very difficult to find." she gestured to an old stereo on the counter. "I was told this would be suitable to listen to it. I obtained the idea from a movie I saw on the television recently."

"You watch too much T.V." he said with a genuine slight upturn of his lips as he handed her the tape. She pressed the tape in and pressed play with a smile. To his surprise it consisted wholly of songs from this decade, save for one, but how she had managed to get all modern songs onto a piece of technology from the 80's he would never know. It was slow, mellow and acoustic, but still happy somehow. He closed his eyes and listened, when she returned to the chair and lightly held his hand. He felt calm and untangled for the first time in so long, like he was floating. She started to rise as a song ended, but he gently tightened his grip on her hand. "Please stay." he said, looking forlornly into her eyes. He didn't want to be alone another night. She smiled and slowly sat back into the chair with a nod.

Cyborg had been brooding for almost 3 days before he decided to go back and see BeastBoy. _Maybe he just needs someone to listen for once_. He had heard all the yelling from Raven and Robin's visits, and he wanted none of it. A low melody permeated the room when he arrived. He looked through the infirmary window, and was slightly taken aback by the sight. BeastBoy was asleep, and holding hands with StarFire, asleep half in a chair, but with her head resting sideways on her crossed arms upon the bed. A low melody lightly permeated the room, and if he hadn't seen it with his own eyes he would never have believed it. He smiled and turned towards the kitchen, his visit would have to wait.

Where everyone else pounded on his walls blindly, StarFire had simply waited until a door was ajar and calmly slipped in

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**AuthorNote; **StarFire is so cool :3 Inspired by my fave playlist ^.^

_xxoo Melissy Mae_


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